My friend was really upset today. She came to my class to talk to me about something that was bothering her, more like to bitch about the really annoying guys in her class. She was really down and it was obvious why she came to me, she wanted me to understand her and comfort her. And I realised, once again, how awful I am when it comes to consoling a friend. I always don't know what to say, and no matter how much I want to make them feel better, I just can't find the right words. I become extra careful in what I say because I don't want them to feel even more upset or anything. I put myself in their shoes and think about what I would want to hear. But that doesn't do much.
I ended up asking her if she's going straight home after school today.
She replied and went back to her class for her next lecture. I sat there in my seat and felt really bad for her and for myself. I felt stupid and worthless. I like to give advice to my friends when they need it, and I'm not that bad at that. But consoling is a completely different thing. I don't know whether I should say 'what's wrong?' when my friend is crying because I'm too scared that she might want to be left alone, who knows, she might not want to even talk about it. But then, I think it's also stupid to say 'It's okay' because obviously, it is not okay. I end up just standing next to her rubbing her back, waiting for her to stop crying.
I came back home and thought about this. I thought about the times when I was the one crying, complaining, just feeling upset. I think Mishy and Chengsters weren't that bad at comforting me, though Mishy did confess last time that she had to search 'how to console a friend on' google when I was crying on the phone. Hahaha. Well, I think for me, it didn't really matter what they said. It was nice to have them listen to my complaints and just nod their heads saying those 'I know's and 'forget about it's.
Then I thought, maybe I'm not a very good listener. Maybe I'm self-centered, not in the greedy or selfish way but maybe my desires are too fixed upon myself.
I care about myself too much, my wants and needs, my pride, my belongings, my thoughts, my EVERYTHING. I spent time thinking about why I was so bad at consoling my friend because it was my problem. I didn't think about what I could have said to her or what her problem really was. I don't think this necessarily means that I'm cold-hearted, because I honestly do feel bad when my friends are upset. But maybe, I need to improve on the whole listening thing, I need to be less self-centered. I've always thought that I cared about others because I care way too much when it comes to earthquakes and floods and it makes me feel horrible and I become desperate to donate my money, call phone numbers, pray and so on. I do care about the fact that half the world's population lives in poverty. I feel heart-broken when I see cancer patients. But I don't think I gave THAT much attention to those around me.
It really hit me today. I wonder why I haven't realised this earlier. This is why they say that sometimes taking a break and having deep thoughts about yourself and the present is the step before thinking about the future and having ambitious goals.
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